There were three big events in May 2023 - the Coronation, Eurovision in Liverpool and of course the opening IWA Slalom event of the year at Newtownards. We may not have had the king, but we did have some royalty and we certainly had our fair share of eye watering costumes...
Four sets of dodgy shorts on display.
The event was postponed due to lack of wind and so it was we all gathered 3 weeks later - with almost no wind. The number of entrants was down and especially so on the Saturday when the forecast was particularly poor. But nothing stops a Fletcher and so we had 4 of them pushing us out onto the water. Hobbling Nick enrolled his brother to sit in a boat, his wife to help feed the starving and his daughter Becki to do the IT.
And then there was the issue of the dodgy shorts. There were a lot on display and to be frank, I've seen better legs hanging off a dead chicken. Here for example is Ciaran ....
SPOILER ALERT - the eventual event winner is in this photograph.
All in all a hideous collection of shorts worn by men of a certain age who like to be dressed in rubber. However I should add, that this description didn't apply to Becki or Mairead - I don't want a black eye from the formidable Fletcher women!
We also noticed that Paddy offered Becki the chance to SUP (it was totally windless) with the use of his pink paddle. Why Paddy's is pink, we never found out.
With flat calm and fog, rigging was slow. And in fact the first excitement was lunch.
Ironing boards everywhere - life was so much simpler and the rigging was so much safer in the good old days.
And finally some racing started and you could divide the field up into four:
Sails on foils - the majority and determined to shoot forward on a gust.
Fins on windsurfing boards, more in hope than anticipation.
Fin on SUP ie me. Can't plane but can make good speed and up wind in even light winds
Wingers - basically totally screwed.
Father and son
Father and son - Philip and Zander were sailing. Indeed Zander won best boy, in a field of one.
Philip started the weekend on 'I'm sticking to fins, you'll never see me on a foil', but ended up buying a full foil board and foil sail and using it. Another of the die hard slalom men goes over to the dark side.
The first race set a pattern. Brian Kelly won it (foil) but not by much and I was second on the SUP (with a huge centre fin stuck on). Now the nice thing about 'racing' slowly is there is plenty of banter (and in Philip's case singing - don't ask). So then a slight gust came up and Andrew managed to pump onto his foil, there was a lot of abuse hurled at him as no one else could get it up as it were. So he planed up to the first gybe mark and now came the theology bit - not something you normally hear talked about in windsurfing circles.
Let me put it this way, theology is basically about whether God exists (and not whether he uses a fin or a foil let me add). So the evidence is this - 1 person (Andrew) is praying hard he can get round the gybe mark and maintain his growing lead. But 7 people are praying (and saying out loud), let him crash and burn at the gybe.
And he duly crashes, dramatically and loses the race. Now does this prove God exists? I will let you decide, but in my opinion is really does show God is a windsurfer and not a foiler....
And Ming was last on his wing.
Race 2 followed similar lines, with Brian pumping like a porn star to ensure he won. And then hitting the bottom and exploding in a very satisfying manner immediately he crossed the line. More proof of God perhaps? Another foil was second (Andrew) and Zander got planing and nearly caught me at the line. But didn't.
And Ming was last on his wing.
The third race saw zero flying and Brian scored again.
And Ming was last on his wing.
After a nice tea break Johnny joined us. So this time he was last, but Ming was second last, so that was OK too.
The big fight in this race was between Zander and me with the last leg involving us both pumping (yes, Lords do pump). It was close but with Zander just getting over the line before I caught him.
And the wingers were last.
This pattern continued for some races until Nick told me to go to shore for a rest and then started the final race of the day when I got there! This time there was an almighty fight for last place between me and a desperately flapping Johnny. Ming was not last despite 3 big falls.
Actually I should explain for those who don't know how Ming works when things go wrong. He has 3 levels.
Level one - he falls in, blames his kit and swears a lot.
Defcon two - as per one, but now he adds fisting his board. If you examine his kit you will see the dents on it.
Defcon three - now he fists the board and the sail. This makes a nice noise.
But nowadays he has a problem since he is on a wing. If you fist a wing it bursts... However I did notice that his first wing burst after the first couple of races. Wonder why?
And my 'best' moment came when I misjudged a start and ended up in danger of crossing the line 10 seconds early. I had no room to work with so aimed for the starting line buoy and 'parked' my board on top of it. This had the effect of dragging the starting line forward. 10 seconds later the hooter went and I hopped off the buoy to race. Despite the howls of protect, the official verdict was that I didn't cross the line early. I just moved the line.
With no wind at all now, most people retired to talk windsurfing bollox in the club house. However hop along Fletcher offered the use of his tow for anyone who wanted it and he later posted an excellent video of Johnny towing on his foil.
It was only once he'd posted that the world realised that Prince Harry had been sailing with us. My thanks to world champion Alex for pointing this out.
And so day two dawned with no wind but another excellent non-vegetarian breakfast!
Some of the Dirty Dublin Crew. Just proving that dodgy hair doesn't stop you windsurfing well.
We were pleased to see Ed (aka Mr Balls), Ant and Phil join us from the depths of Dublin. They had been cuddled up in a camper van outside the club at Cunningburn car park over night and looked very tired but happy. We wonder if they knew this is the local dogging spot? Or maybe that's why they camped there. Anyway, the Dirty Dubliners seemed to enjoy themselves.
Sunday started similar to Saturday with no wind. One race was run before lunch with no planing. And then the wind really died. The boats had to rescue the wingers and some of the fins while the rest of us took around 30 minutes to slowly tack home. I at least had the joy of ramming Ed who for some reason kept shouting starboard, starboard.
Then at last the wind came up. Full credit to one legged Nick who never wavered in his belief that it would come up at 3:30. God again? Whatever, but we were now racing. I say we but I moved from the SUP to a slalom board and never really got the advantage of it as the wind dropped a bit after that.
Andrew and I met at the start of one race. However he chickened out and leapt off. The wind got more flukey and kept shifting so poor Nick had to keep moving the course.
And, while all of this wasn't happened, Prince Harry was clearly on rescue patrol and he got my abandoned SUP back for me as it drifted off to Portaferry. Thanks Your Royal Highness and I'm now prepared to forgive you for the whole Megan thing.
So we finally crawled off the water, knackered and sunburnt, but with the amazing cripple Nick having managed to run races including 4 ranking ones. So were official.
Big congratulations to Andrew who was the overall winner. Although we think Philip deserved a prize for buying a foil set on Sunday lunch time and then going straight out (without any previous or training) and racing it. He certainly brought some smiles to our faces!
And we should big up Ming who kept at it, won a prize for his persistence and then started to plane once the event was over.
I am now going to retire since clearly I will never achieve the giddy heights of fourth again. Sadly I also won best fin, which is more a sign of the times with so many people having moved to foils.
And Prince Harry won the Silver and first foil. I suppose that must mean Minger was second ... ie last.
A handshake with royalty.
A sight not to be repeated - the Lord at the prize table.
The wind may have messed with us, but we all had a great time. And a huge thank you to the one legged wonder - Nick you and your family did a great job. And that's despite the dodgy shorts.